FOREWORD: Satirical nutjob, Mojo Nixon, should’ve become president in ’90. I put his name out there, but the ignorant public went with that sleazy dog, Clinton. Anyway, Mojo’s a happy miscreant ably mocking out America’s tabloid stars on a whim. In the ’80s, he snubbed MTV’s lackluster scum, or as he called it, gism, and in the ’90s, he continued to tour. After playing a hilarious set at Wetlands in SoHo, we got together and tried to get the Yankees long-term organist stoned in the dank basement area he was playing in. Nixon’s currently semiretired from music. The Nixon For Prez article ran in Aquarian Weekly and the follow-up was picked up by High Times in ’98.
NIXON for President! No, not Tricky Dick, but instead Mojo Nixon, a Mason-Dixon scoundrel whose appearance is closer to werewolf than man. His porkchop sideburns, unshaven face, unkempt hair, and vagabond clothes give Mojo that scruffy, hungover look. Devouring a bag of barbecue potato chips, our next President of the Untidy States is in rare form this early January afternoon in New York. As I reach for a Rolling Rock, this crazed, shaved monkey spits out derogatory comments concerning the ineffective government he plans to overthrow.
If you thought the dregs took over the White House when Bill Clinton was elected, then sit back ’cause the plague is now upon us. As it gets closer to Armageddon, only cockroaches and locusts will survive. Which brings us to Mojo Nixon, a demented Virginia singer/ musician/ actor/ politician/ preacher whose latest distorted parodies corrupt his mop up compilation “Gadzooks!!! The Homemade Bootleg” (Needletime). He upsets conservative softheadedness with the spiffy honky tonk spoof “Are You Drinking With Me Jesus,” the charged up boogie woogie shuffler “Winnebago Warrior,” the swampy cock-rocker “King O’ Sleaze,” and the loony “Beer Ain’t Drinking.”
Yes, the man who covered MTV with gism, gave singer Debbie Gibson a two-headed love child, preached “Elvis Is Everywhere,” and stuffed VJ Martha Quinn’s muffin, plans to end government oppression by letting the meek inherit planet earth. Like former President Ronald Reagan, Mojo has appeared in low budget movies such as Car 54 Where Are You and Rock And Roll High School Forever. His latest film, Buttcrack: The Movie should take this zany hick to the crusty anal depths of ‘sucksex.’
But wait, before you think this charismatic fuck up is just crude, rude, tasteless, and scuzzy – guess again. His opinions, like Howard Stern’s, are actually relevant, insightful, and intelligent. As I guzzle down some brews, Mojo skullfucks my own sick mind with his non-rhetorical year 2000 Presidential campaign agenda.
Give me some of your family history so voters in 2000 could understand your logic.
MOJO: In the early 1700′s, my Scottish ancestors moved to an American county, refuseed to leave, and became preachers practicing interbreeding within a 15 mile radius.
Explain how a ‘turd’ party candidate will upset the two party system.
MOJO: It’s my genetic destiny to lead an armed insurrection to revolt in a desperate struggle against oppressive government. I, Mojo Nixon, will be at the hill with rebel allies. And the greedy boneheads leading our institution will then be swinging from lightbulbs. Newt Gingrich claims Bill Clinton is a sleazy liar with his campaign contributions. But there’s no clean campaign money. It’s given to a committee. What’s the difference? It’s like saying ‘I didn’t rape her, I only ass fucked her.’
What’s your opinion on abortion?
MOJO: I’d like to ask people against abortion who is going to take care and love these kids when they’re born. No one is pro-abortion. But the alternative is an unwanted child abused at a foster home who then becomes a criminal against society. Use some forethought and get protection. Nature is trying to get us to fuck all the time. Abortion should be safe, legal, and a last resort with no stigma attached. There’s no shortage of people. It’s not like we need more to fight Martians. These European Victorian Puritans are warped believing it’s assisted suicide. It’s self-determination and completely your individual right. State and government have nothing to do with it.
As President, would you get rid of the American Medical Association?
MOJO: The American Medical Ass Hole-Ciation is against unions but they are a union. And they’ve got a death grip on on society. Like lawyers, they origianlly tried to help those in need. Now they’re involved in a scam with the insurance companies. Actual surgery may cost $500, but it becomes $50,000 when they try to split up the free money pie. The A.M.A. is a country club with a hammer lock on politicians.
Right. And why vote at all when a Republican or Democrat is going to win thanks to that bull shit electoral college!
MOJO: Yes. I plan to rewrite the Constitution and get rid of the electoral college. It was meant to keep the two party system alive. We need third and fourth parties. And the your-mom’s-out-of-town-let’s-have-a-party. Or, I just got mushrooms, this is gonna be one helluva party!
Will you have an ass kickin’ party like Andrew Jackson had when he won the election in the 1800′s?
MOJO: He was great. His friends rode horses in the White House and hillbillies were getting drunk on the front lawn. Now we have political animals like Clinton. He would eat shit on national television if the public demanded it. Bureaucrats suck!
The Butthole Surfers told me President Lyndon Johnson used to parade around naked in his office in order to get the attention of his adversaries.
MOJO: Lyndon Johnson got people to do stuff they’d never ordinarily do. One time he scared a Secret Service guy when he was headed to the wrong helicopter. He told him ‘son, these are all my helicopters because I’m Commander In Chief. But if you insist I get into that one, I’ll go.’
I hate those asshole newscasters for convincing the dumb American public of a Soviet threat which never fucking existed.
MOJO: Most people bought that Communist bull shit. Russia was 90% Surfs until 1860. It’s like the Middle Ages over there. How the fuck were they going to invade America? They’d get halfway through Pennsylvania and say ‘I’m fuckin’ tired.’ Crazy Americans would be in the woods shooting their asses. In reality, the Russians are our friends. They like to drink. The Japs and Germans thought they were the superior race until our tribe known as We the People kicked their asses.
What are your thoughts on the Iraqi War?
MOJO: It was supposed to be Bush’s re-election showcase to completely annihilate a minor third world thug. We built Saddam Hussein up as Hitler. And we got Texaco and Union 76 to sponsor the war with campaign funds. It was nauseating to see us pick on that idiot, schoolyard bully.
What about human rights violations in foreign countries?
MOJO: Human rights problems are bull shit. It’s not the United States place to tell other countries what to do. This country had slaves. Cuba is a perfect example. Castro came to us in ’60 for help and we didn’t provide any so he went to Russia for support. Cuba has fine ballplayers, boxers, cigars, gambling, and women. But the U.S. is fixated on a non-issue. Cuba should be a giant Club Med, or Club Fidel.
What would you do as President to clean up our Judicial system?
MOJO: The Judicial System is a lie. The idea of an adversary system where truth is revealed and justice served is finished. Whoever has the most expensive lawyers wins out of attrition. Men are weak. If you dangle enough pussy in front of them, they’ll give in. We should have public executions at halftime of the Super Bowl for deserving scum.
How would you straighten out the tax problem and welfare?
MOJO: We’d have a true flat tax with no exceptions. And as for welfare, there would be one office and one form. There’s a lot of morons working for the government because useless jobs were created for them. I’d also dump half the military to balance the budget.
What restrictive pornographic boundaries would there be under your leadership?
MOJO: Pornography is nuclear bombs. Prudes hide behind feminism and religion. It’s not about violence to women. Some people’s sexual wires are just crossed.
Should the U.S. legalize drugs?
MOJO: Tomorrow! TV commercials stress how drug dependency is bad. But should casual users be punished because some genetically or socially messed up people can’t handle it. Drug enforcement police want drugs illegal so they could make money. Years ago, amphetamines were cheap to buy over the counter. But now there’s a longing for the fake ’50s way of life which never existed. Legalize drugs with the only restriction being they can’t be advertised. Hell, people legally drink themselves to death. Medical research companies are all about making money and manipulation. They’re untruthful ‘hypocrats.’
What are your thoughts on religion?
MOJO: Priests can’t marry and that only encourages perversion. Only a few people are not sexual or too mystical. Any hate preaching, mind controlling person telling people to fear God is not religious. Instead, they’re in the mind control business. Feeling guilty about something which we don’t know about is insane. I don’t believe in God in the traditional sense. Is some life force guiding our nature? I don’t know.
Who will be in your Presidential Cabinet?
MOJO: Hunter S. Thompson will be Minister of Produce. Richard Pryor will be Minister of Funny Shit. And like Clinton, we’ll have midgets. Maybe even some ugly albino black guys.
It’s Friday the 13th and the “High” Priest of extemporaneous pontification, Mojo Nixon, seems hellbent on kicking around several societal icons. His recent compilation, “Gadzooks !!! The Homemade Bootleg,” along with a starring role in “Buttcrack: The Movie,” continue to push this zany, demented character into public attention like a church pew fart. Propagating such hilarious diatribes as “Debbie Gibson Is Pregnant With My Two Headed Love Child,” “Stuffin’ Martha’s Muffin,” and “I’m Living With the Three Foot Anti-Christ,” Mojo sets Blues, bluegrass, and rockabilly innovations back 30 years.
HT: Who are some of the latest victims of Mojomania?
MOJO: Well, I was just in the middle of a litany of stuff. I was just in Detroit, home of Bob Seger. I like Bob, but if I hear that “Like A Rock” truck commercial one more time, I’m going to put a rock up his ass and explode it with dynamite. And does that guy in Oasis realize I have Beatles records. I’d like to send his sad ass back to England. I hate third generation pop music! Since Hootie & The Blowfish stole Huey Lewis & the News’ style, I figured I’d blend the two bands into shit stew – Huey & the Fish Blow. And I feel the guy from Counting Crows should have Van Morrison wipe his ass with that motley hair.
HT: Do you still believe “Elvis Is Everywhere”?
MOJO: After his daughter Lisa Marie married Michael Jackson, I figured he must be dead by now. How could she go to bed with that freak of nature who wanted to hang out with Webster and that monkey. It’s extremely odd. He had four number one records as a 12 year old, but hasn’t written a good song since “Billie Jean” – and it’s debatable whether he even wrote that. He acts like the sun is still shining out of his ass, but like Prince, he’s a washed up has been. It must be sad when you have to go to Burma to revive your career.
HT: Recently, I did a High Times piece on the late Country Dick Montana of the Beat Farmers. He even wrote the lyrics to “Gadzook’s” inebriated fable “She’s All Liquored Up.” How close were the two of you?
MOJO: I was friends with Dick but he was never a revelatory guy. I think I know three facts about him after all those years together. He was so psycho. I remember he had to get a thyroid cancer operation and he never told anyone. Then he called my wife, who is a nurse, and asked her if malignant was bad. However, he was the engine that ran the San Diego scene; promoting young acts and making himself available.
HT: Has American society become more ignorant in recent years?
MOJO: I agree they are stupid. Masses of people go to Mc Donald’s because they watch an ad they think was a well produced, good idea. But the food is bland and will kill you. But historically, 50 years ago we were in much worse shape. People died at 50, couldn’t read or write, and worked on assembly lines. Expectations now are higher, but not everyone’s a computer wizard, rocket scientist, or heart surgeon. We’ve got ESPN now, so something must be right.
HT: In November, 1980, while performing with your punk band Zebra 123, the U.S. Secret Service questioned your political motives. Why?
MOJO: We were celebrating the anniversary of Kennedy’s shooting death. We had posters of Reagan and Carter with their heads exploding. In Denver, hardcore music hadn’t happened yet. Everyone wanted to hear shitty, skinny tie bands. Anyway, the Secret Service thought we were trying to buy guns. And the local record store, Wax Trax, refused to put up the poster because they thought it was in bad taste.
HT: Should drugs be legalized?
MOJO: I firmly believe keeping drugs illegal hasn’t stopped anyone from using them. What we do is relieve ourselves by doing drugs. Should we be punished because one out of every five people gets addicted to cocaine. What about the other four people enjoying themselves. Like Donnie Osmond said, one bad apple don’t spoil the whole bunch. It’s not like heroin should be marketed by Mc Donald’s. But there are definitely heroin addicts everywhere. The war on drugs is a joke. It never made a dent. And the stricter it becomes, the dumber it becomes. Some people feel if something is illegal, they’ve got to do it. People should be responsible for their own actions. If they’re told cocaine and heroin are risky and they indulge anyway due to peer pressure, that’s a decision they must live with.