Yuppie grocery chain brews clear golden bottom-fermenting lager from biscuit-y lager yeast. Sweet corn-Scotch pleasantry gains sugary cereal grain malting enlivened by salty hop bottom and perfect for mainstream crew. Inconsequential yet appeasing. Picture of similar Vienna lager to left.
All posts by John Fortunato
TRACTOR SOD BUSTER PALE ALE
Terribly tinny rocky-headed amber-hazed pale ale with ‘sod-like’ earthen parch, scorched barnyard-hay astringency, dehydrated fig rig, and green apple souring muddling phenol Cascade-hopped lemon-bruised orange-grapefruit bittering. Topsoil bottom picks up strange celery-carrot vegetation, curtailing tacky honey-malted caramel sugaring.
TRACTOR HAYMAKER HONEY WHEAT ALE
Slick golden medium body places damning cabbage waft beside raw honeyed parch and faded grapefruit tang. Peppery hop fizz and dank wheat backbone fail, befuddling terribly cloy malt finish in its wake.
TRACTOR FARMER’S TAN RED ALE
Single worst red ale ever. Pungent vegetal fumes and blase’ dried fruit mouthfeel douse roasted caramel malting, leaving dirty-grained fizz-hopped aluminum-like stagnancy.
TRACTOR DOUBLE PLOW OATMEAL STOUT
New Mexican brewers’ bottled selections obviously lose luster after initial swigs. Case in point: the up-front coffee ground banter and roasted cashew-walnut ebb of this listless dry-bodied moderation never retain traction, instead leaving sooty astringency.
TOPVAR PREMIUM HELLES LAGER
Inoffensive dry-bodied lightweight skims butterscotch register across soft cereal-grained backbone. Wafting floral hop sprocket affords softest yellow fruit wisp. Reticent honey nut aspect stays distant.
TOPVAR DARK LAGER
Amiable chestnut-hued brew retains mild turbidity as affluent cascading brown bubbles surface at fleshy head. Unrefined grain nose, muted sugar malt assertiveness, tobacco-stained docility, and cocoa butter creaminess settle into ripe cherry-orange fruitiness before rich raisin finish adds thicker luster.
TOOHEYS NEW BOHEMIAN DRAUGHT LAGER
Run of the mill light lager forges lemony dryness atop peppery hops and smoky nuance ruined by slick cloy finish and despicable metallic/chemical aftertaste. Doubtlessly better in tapped version.
TONA PREMIUM LAGER
Drab aluminum-yellowed pale lager lets cloy rice-sugared sourdough buttering, thin mineral-grained spice hop zip and ginger-leafed maize husk get lost amongst musty corn-oiled backdrop. Musky dry-smoked beechwood soaping, bland cotton-candied nuance and pale-malted cardboard plainness depleted by ruinous chemical solvency and briny lemon-salted bittering of horrid Latino, further complicating matters.
TOMMYKNOCKER MAPLE NUT BROWN ALE
Tepid smoked malt initiation envelops scaled back maple essence, fizzy chocolate annoyance, and tobacco leaf tempt. A bit skimpy on relegated nuttiness, finishing watery and undetermined.
TOMMYKNOCKER IMPERIAL NUT BROWN ALE
Heavenly chocolate-vanilla-toffee creaminess lathers hop-roasted flaked oat backbone and terse cola-hazelnut stint. Twinkled anise spicing scurries through brown sugared caramel malting.
TOMMYKNOCKER JACK WHACKER WHEAT ALE
Despite loopy name and silly mule-kicked miner on label (inspired by its Rocky Mountain legacy), sunshine-clouded ale doesn’t retain enough flowery hops to interest serious ale consumers. Weak sweet wheat sustenance falters by salted butter finish as hints of banana and lemon-lime fade into fizzy haze.